Chapter 19: A Fresh of Breath Air
As the frosty leftovers of the Snowpocalypse-That-Never-Was give way to the as-per-usual rainfall of the PNW, the driver continues to panic and al is right with the world. Meanwhile, January is nearing its end and we all know what that means: the Royal Rumble and all the indie knockoffs that come with it! As of this writing, WWE’s annual Rumble event has passed and the fallout is starting to lead us on the road to WrestleMania (or Indie Wrestler “Hire Me” Con). Our lovable and unreliable narrator is hot off the heels of 321 Battle’s wildly popular “Battle Rumble,” where 30 competitors sit in a cramped locker room. But that isn’t a bad thing rather than either with a fresh of breathe air.
They were waiting for their opportunity to step in the ring and punch/kick/lift their way to a championship opportunity that can be cashed in at any time over the next calendar year. Since you are likely reading this off your phone screen while you take your morning constitutional, winners have been declared, and signs pointed at, while the world moves on to bigger and better things and to get into *spoiler* territory, neither member of The Academy won any Rumble that took place this past weekend, but that is not to say we “lost” in the long run.
The magic of Rumbles (and a big thing that separates them from a standard Battle Royal) is that they are built on moments.
I knew going into the Battle Rumble that The Academy may not be afforded much time to do a whole lot of anything, so we devised plans to create moments with the time that we had. Thom Alman was the first member of our illustrious group to grace the 321 Battalion with his presence and it just so happened that by the time he entered, there were only three other men in the ring: Dave Turner, Malcolm Phlex, and Tommy Lawless.
Four big men in the ring set to do battle and shake the Battle Palace to its foundation. The Battalion (with a little help from the lovely commentators) knew they were experiencing a moment when these four behemoths locked eyes. And the men proceeded to do battle, until poor Max Burnside, one half of the Pizza Boys (who The Academy will be facing on February 8 at 5CC Wrestling – see Upcoming Dates below for details), entered the Battle Rumble.
The poor boy was beaten, walloped, and just generally decimated for the next two minutes until The Academy’s familiar theme music once again hit the speakers of the Battle Palace and everyone’s favorite “Poet Laureate of Professional Wrestling”. Finally escaped the cramped sweaty locker room, like a baby from their mother’s womb, and emerged into the bright lights that filled Evolv Fitness. But, as I said upon my emergence, “if you think I’m getting in that ring without first reading some of my World Famous Erotic Fanfiction Poetry, you’ve got another thing coming.”This with a fresh of breath air.
So I made my moment, as I usually do, by not wrestling at all. Again, the fans were loud and whether they were cheering or booing (it almost seemed like a 50/50 split), they were a part of that moment…until Dave Turner rolled out under the bottom rope, grabbed me, and threw me in the ring (thanks Big Dave).
Even our eliminations were part of a big moment: the return of Mama Shango, the Voodoo Queen. She cast a spell over everyone in the ring with her voodoo doll and eliminated us one by one until she was cut off by arguably one of the most hated men in 321, Christian Andes.
So now that all the crazy wrestling hyperbole and rhetoric is out of the way, I guess this chapter is about how Rumbles, as long and stressful as they can be, is a wonderful stage to tell multiple stories and create some cool moments along the way. But for now, we must survive normal Battle Royals until next January, when Rumble season rolls around again. In the meantime, there will be the aforementioned “Book Me Con,” which I’m sure will carry with it many more stories and moments, and many more indie shows. 2020 is just getting started and now I’m just trying to fill word count so let’s wrap this up with a fresh of breathe air.
The world is your burrito as A Fresh of Breath Air!