Author: Dylon Stone
Dylon Stone
Dylon Featherstone is a firefighter, paramedic, mixed-martial artist, kinesiologist, existential nihilist, professional wrestler, and now a columnist! What does that mean? Probably that he is mediocre at all of these things (at best). Born and raised in Central Alberta, Canda; he waxes and wanes unpoetically and unapologetically about his life experiences as a self-professed hobo and how he goes through the daily struggle of trying not to become a full time professional wrestler. “He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man” – Samuel Johnson.
I’m about to step through the curtain, just like I’ve done a hundred times before. But this time it’s different. I can’t catch my breath, I’m nervous, my fingertips are numb, I can’t stop fidgeting, I’m second-guessing my abilities… and I look my left and See the Ring of Honor Champion… with the Ring of Honor World Title glistening over his shoulder. I’m about to step in the ring with a world champion, my music hits, and all I can do I think of Kevin Hart saying, “Nooooooooooo….. I wasn’t ready”. I was prepared to be working magic with Matt…
It’s 5:45 AM, the coffee machine is broken, it’s my 10th straight day at work, and I’ve seen far more buttholes than I originally planned this week (my normal expectancy for strange buttholes at work is zero, btw). As I sit, drinking my grounds-filled coffee, I tried to self-percolate through a Keurig pod with a pinhole that I MacGuyver’d. I think to myself…. SELF…. What will we write about this week!? (Cue the badass “Blood from a Stone” montage piece and theme music provided by the amazing people here!) When last we saw our hero, he had recently vanquished his…
I’m laying face down on top of Pride (Michael Carlson). The bell has just rung as we finished 27 minutes of the best work of our lives. I’m holding his head away from the view of the audience and thanking him, not just for doing the favor, but for everything he’s done for me over the last 2 years. Helping me grow as a wrestler, sharing the road trip as well as being the first mate on our friendship (That’s a boat pun). We put together a match that was as close to perfect as possible, “This is awesome”, “Fight…
4:40 am. Emergency tones are going off…. I roll over in bed to pick up my phone and hear from dispatch that we have a suspected appendicitis rupture… I’ve been on shift at my Firehall/Ambulance for almost 38 days straight. I’m Tired, I’m sore….. and all I can think about…… Is that I haven’t even started my debut wrestling column that’s due in 48rs. My Name is Dylon Featherstone, I’m a Paramedic/Firefighter. I’m your average white suburbanite slob….. I like cage fighting, porno, and books about war….. I’ve got an average house…… with a nice hardwood floor. However, sometimes that…